i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
