I just made out with a guy for $7.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
