sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
