I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
