yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
