Plan B is the new Plan A
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
