The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
