Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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