Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
