Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
