Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
