Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
