Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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