she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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