"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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