You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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