I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
