Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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