Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
