I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
we're so committed to being not committed
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
