i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
