One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
