you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
