just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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