omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
