My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Let's paint friendship bongs
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
