I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize