I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize