So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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