I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
