I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
