why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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