I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
