Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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