dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
