separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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