The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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