i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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