U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
