I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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