she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
