A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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