God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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