He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
