You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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