I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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