I got chris browned last night
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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