dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just puked most of my soul out..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
