just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
