Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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