By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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