all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
