Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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