I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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