I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
