Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
