So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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