You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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