my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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