I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
